If you can see me in your rearview…GET OUT OF THE WAY!

To The House

No f’n way!

So…the situation: my son is sick and had to be picked up from day care and taken to the doctor by my wife. He is diagnosed with pink eye and given a prescription for some medicated eye drops. On another note, my wife has to be at meeting at 6:00pm in which she has to leave the house at 5:30pm.

Now…the mission (that I received at 3:40pm from my wife): Leave work early, drive to Wal-Mart, pick up his prescription and a bunch of green bananas, and be home by 5:30pm.

Just like a good husband I say, “OK…on my way.” In my head though I say, “No f’n way!” It is a mere 18.6 miles from my office in Baton Rouge to my home in Denham Springs, LA , with Wal-Mart kinda in between…but not really (you take a left off the exit to go to Wal-Mart and a right to go to my house). Anyway…I digress. At 4:45am, my commute to work takes…at most…25 minutes. The trip home however…no less than 50 minutes due to traffic, and most of all…road construction. Today would be extra challenging in the fact that there is a steady rain…and if there is anything worse that Louisiana drivers…it’s Louisiana drivers in the rain. I do enjoy a good challenge though…so on my way out of the office I say, “I got this!”…literally…out loud. I mean I was driving the land rocket…the 505 horsepower Corvette Z06. I know with all the tangibles: rain, 3 miles of Interstate road construction (which usually backs up for 3 miles before it actually begins), stop lights, accidents, and most of all…idiots drivers…that it wasn’t going to be an easy task. Not to mention how it could go at Wal-Mart!

Anyway, I head out. I go through 10 stop lights before EVER getting stopped by a red one. Now this one I usually sit at for three cycles. However, it is nothing like the red light by the Baton Rouge airport that goes from red to green in TWO minutes. I used to think of a way I could take a nap during that time while traveling to work. I did fall asleep a couple of times…I know you’ve all done it…fall asleep at the light, only to wake up to a shocking and jarring “nap-jerk” right as the light turns green. Don’t judge me! Today though…ONE light cycle! I go straight through 5 more after that and get right on the Interstate. I think to myself, “No f’n way!” I jet east toward Denham Ssprings and barely have to shift down into second gear as traffic winds through the construction zone. In no time I am at my exit…no red light there either! I take a left off the exit and head towards Wal-Mart, hitting the parking lot without hitting any of the 4 lights in between it and the exit. Now I don’t want you to think I made it there in 20 minutes or something…I couldn’t have done that without breaking numerous traffic laws and possibly hitting the 198mph top speed of my Vette…twice. I did however make it in 40 minutes…unheard of at this time of day. I thought, “It must get bad from here.” Not the case however. I found a parking spot about 6 spots from the front door…walked in without being haggled by any fund raiser groups…saw the bananas at the edge of the “20 Items or Less”aisle…picked the greenest bunch…and headed for the pharmacy. Now this is where it all ended right?Wrong…second in line…45 second wait…it was my turn. I did however think it was over when a customer actually handed the clerk her cell phone so the person on the other end could give her their insurance information. I thought, “No f’n way.” Luckily…two check-outs were operating in the pharmacy today. So…I get up to register…the prescription is not ready. OF COURSE…here’s where it ends. The clerk told me to give her 15 minutes…that would make it 5:00pm. “OK”, I said…I can still do this. I take this time to go check out the bananas, knowing that the pharmacy would not have a scale. I went to the 20 Items or Less register and said to the cashier, “Wait…let me go see if these are the greenest bananas in the store.” She looked at me like I was crazy and off I went. I went to the produce section and sure enough…the original ones I picked out WERE the greenest in the store…so I went to check them out. Guess what? No one else was checking out at the register…”No f’n way.” I drop 1 1/2 bones and I was back to the pharmacy. I sit down on the bench and ponder what just happened. It wasn’t the fact that I only hit one red light along my route, it was the fact that there was no one driving slow in the fast lane, no one impeding traffic by talking or texting on their cell, no accidents and no 18-wheelers driving in the left lane in the construction zone. “NO F’N WAY!” So…at exactly 5:00pm the lady calls me up…the prescription is ready. Wait…they don’t have my insurance information! This was my first pick up after switching from Walgreens…this is where it ends! Nope…5:05pm…$12.00 later and I’m gone. On the way out the door I added a task for myself…pick up Subway! I mean come on…I still have 25 minutes. The Subway I like to go to is the only one that serves breakfast all day long. It’s located inside a truckstop which usually tales no less than 20 minutes to get your order. I say to hell with it and give it a chance. I zoom toward the truck stop through all the red lights that I went through on the way to Wal-Mart…all green! I’m number two in line with number one checking out. I order two subs…one for my son…and one for me. The sandwich artist was ROLLING! It’s like she knew I was in a hurry…and she even gave me a military discount! I rolled out…didn’t stop at ANY of the three stop lights between there and my neighborhood…because THEY WERE ALL GREEN! I pulled up to the house…backed all 505 horses into the stable and shut her down at 5:25pm. I walked…well, struted in…handed over the green bananas…the wifey poo said, “Sweet” as she gave me a kiss and rolled out herself. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Looking back…I don’t know how it happened. I try to explain it to myself by thinking that, sometimes…stuff just works out. Like the time I took the ACT and walked away from that test feeling like an idiot. I made a 26. It just worked out.